It’s the week before Strictly Come Dancing heads to the iconic Blackpool, so expect them all to care about this northern town more than a desperate MP tonight. Nobody wants to go before they get to dance in the legendary Tower Ballroom. But one has to, so on with the show…

I do hope nobody’s drinking any time Blackpool is mentioned, because it’s five minutes in and we’re already on our second ‘how important Blackpool is’ montage. Anton gloriously cocks up what is usually a cheesy judges’ dance, and Nikita is wearing the most incredible outfit.

Strictly Come Dancing: the Dances

Balvinder and Julian dancing the American smooth
Eight-weeks into Strictly and we’re finally at EastEnders, so they clearly think Bal’s going home this week. It was an alright dance, but it just felt a bit off, and I’m not sure why. I think it’s because they played it too safe. They score 27 though, which is as always, undermarked.

Tess suggests we pace ourselves with Blackpool excitement, and then judges have a Blackpool rave, which is crashed by Aljaz on the balcony absolutely owning them all.

Amber and Nikita dancing the paso doble
Oh my GOD Nikita is wearing what can only be described as a harness combined with leather pants. All is forgiven for kicking Harry out last week, take my licence fee! It’s, of course, a very fucking hot dance. In the Clauditorium, Nikita has to hold a mic cos there’s literally nowhere to clip one. Magnificent. They score 38, and it’s the highest-scoring paso of the series.

Alex and Johannes dancing the waltz
After Jojo admitted he was scared of the woods last week, the dastardly producers have got them waltzing through one. It was a gorgeous waltz, but the cameras made me feel sick with how much they cut from close to wide shots. Anton says he doesn’t mind any funny rubbing around, and Alex is glad they didn’t have Craig between their thighs. They score 35.

Vicky and Kai dancing the jive
Vicky’s husband brings their dogs in which means I get Kai and dogs! But oh no, this was a bit of a disaster to be honest. She’s really throwing everything at it, though, and you can see the choreography has been made harder. The only saving grace is Kai’s wearing a see-through top. They score 27 and Vicky doesn’t mount anyone, because they were undermarked AF.

Karen and Carlos dancing the American smooth
Their dance starts at a table, and it’s a very moody American smooth. It was good, but it wasn’t soft enough; however, it was a very strong performance. What’s odd once again is they’re picking on problems that are clearly caused by her health condition when they were so patronising to Ellie. Carlos has a cry at Shirley’s praise, and they score 31.

George and Alexis dancing the rumba
Everyone pretend to be shocked that George’s fans have once again been fucking losers about how this should’ve been his couple’s choice. There wasn’t a lot of rumba in it, even though it was beautiful. Speaking of his fans, you’d think Strictly judge Craig had pissed on his Granda’s grave the way they were gunning for him when he literally just said he didn’t like it. Grow up. They score 29, which is lower than their couple’s choice.

Lewis and Katya dancing the tango
I will never not find this man a boring try-hard, to be honest. It’s a good tango, but of course it is. I just can’t get excited about him. He’s got an incredible makeup job this week on Strictly, though. He looks like someone’s divorced auntie in that smudgy eyeliner. They score 37.

La voix and Aljaz dancing their couples’ choice
Chris shares his drag journey, accompanied by his amazingly supportive dad. I sobbed my face off when he brought out his mum’s wedding dress, and his dad cried. Their dance is an amazing tribute to drag and theatre, and this is what the show is all about. La Voix highlights that Tess has had an “MBE and P45 in one month” and then upstairs tells Claudia “she’s getting an MBE, you’ve only got a storm named after you, it’s going terribly wrong for you!” They score 33.

And that’s your lot, we’ve got Amber and Lewis at the top and Vicky and Bal at the bottom, but let’s hope it doesn’t stay that way. And the Strictly judge with the vote is Craig.

The results

It’s Sunday night again, and we’re mentioning Blackpool roughly once every 17 seconds. So lets find out who’s heading north and who’s going home.

There’s an incredible Strictly pro routine which sees the pros team up with diversity but honestly the best thing about it is the mashup the singers do. Olly Murrs is also here, for some reason.

In the Clauditorium, La Voix says, “if you cut me in half, it says big dipper all the way through”. Nikita reveals their song by making Claudia quickstep around the table he humped a few weeks ago. Alex has never been to Blackpool, so Johannes talks up fish and chips like she’s also never had that. Lewis shares that, finally, next week will mean all 700 of his siblings will have been to Strictly, and Kaz shares that Carlos is their dance studio owner’s fave.

Remember how earlier I forgave everyone for voting out Harry last week on Strictly? Well, I take it fucking-well back as Vicky and Kai and Balvinder, and Julian are in the bottom. Yes, they were the lowest scored of the week, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they’re also two of the women that the judges have been harshest on. In the end, it’s Vicky and Kai that go home. I am, of course, FURIOUS and will be tearing up my TV licence until next week. Whilst I am of course most upset that it means less perving on Kai, it’s also really sad because Vicky was working so hard and improving so much.

Well, I only got a few days to mourn my loss, as we’re off to Blackpool for Strictly next week. Until then, keeeeep dancing!

Featured image via the Canary